There is something in my mind that is bothering me

I love God above all else, I want to worship God with my life. I want God to be the center of attention in my life. However, there have been times in my life where I completely disregarded God. I put God aside and I just shoved him away from me. Those were my darkest times. It’s been a while since I’ve done that, however, I am scared that I will go back and commit the same mistakes or maybe even the consequences will catch up to me. Anyways, let me tell you what is really bothering me.

I’m scared

            I’m scared of the future. I am scared of what it might hold. I don’t know if someone is going to come up to me and tell me of all of the bad things that I did in the past. I know I was wrong, I know I was dead, I know that I was Godless. So, the first thing that I did to right my wrongs was ask God for forgiveness for my sins, which I have already done a thousand times, now I have to just see what happens.

            I am going to continue to do what I’ve always been doing, and not have fear because I believe that God allows things to happen. If God didn’t want any bad things to happen, then it would not happen. I trust in that. However, I know that I live a life where sin is a problem, so I must constantly be fighting my own sin nature.

I worry

            Right now, I feel like a loser. I feel like I haven’t done anything in life and that I’m a huge disappointment to my parents, family, my teachers, my pastors, I feel like I’ve just been doing nothing but wasting time. I know that I’m getting older and that I need to look to be a more responsible adult now but I feel like I just have too much of burdens to carry. I feel like I have too much to worry about.

            The older people around me are telling me already that it’s time to get serious and start looking to get a realy job. One that is going to pay the bills. I feel like I have such a talent for music though and that I should just stick with the music, however, I just don’t know. I want to stick with the music and say that God is going to provide, but I just don’t know. I have a job and I have this blog, but this blog hasn’t really paid any bills just yet. And also I don’t know if it will take off. I don’t know if what I am doing is something correct.

What I truly want

            In all essence I just want a job that will pay the bills and then maybe some more. I wish that I could get a job that I could go on vacation. However, there is something deeper than that. I want to worship God with everything that I am. I feel like this blog is doing exactly that! So, if what I am doing is nothing but worshiping God, shouldn’t God take care of me too? I know that I have to work for the things that I want, but what should I work in? I have so many hobbies and passions and things that I am good at that I just don’t know what I should do. I am constantly asking God for his direction in this, however, the only thing that I am hearing is to do the music. Am I just blinding myself because that’s my fantasy? Because that’s my dream? Am I just pretending to hear God’s voice telling me to do more music because I want to live the dream of being a musician? I just don’t know. I want to listen to God’s voice not mine.

            Thank you all for listening in on this blog post. I hope that I have been an encouragement and inspiration to you guys. Please pray, read your bible, go to church, and love God above all else. Like, comment, share, and subscribe. And I will see you all next time. German Gonzalez, signing out!